Grilled Cheese
How To Use Your Lunch To Communicate With The Heavens
[Far tastier than texting!]
We are all told that “God works in mysterious ways.” Why he must be so secretive is unknown. He is the all powerful, all knowing and ever present deity- but damn it if he isn’t going to be discrete about it!
One of his discrete ways of communicating with his children is apparently sending us vague pictures of himself and his mother in our food. This is, after all, a feat only an all powerful deity could perform and we should all be convinced of it.
The Trick
Cook up some signs from God.
I have two methods for you this week- mainly because the real one is so incredibly lame and I don’t want to leave you unsatisfied.
Method I: Cook up a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and stare at each of them until you find one with some sort of picture or personage on it. Due to our evolved pattern seeking brain you are pretty much guaranteed to find one or two. Once you do- go sell it to a casino for $28,000 as evidence of God’s existence.
If you aren’t convinced that the human mind can see images and meaning where there are none- just take a few moments to look at the Rorschach ink blots. These images are produced randomly. They don’t mean anything. However the mind always finds a way to piece things together to form pictures of butterflies, faces, animals, even demons.
Method II: Okay now the fun way. Make a grilled cheese and take a small but sharp knife. Carefully carve out whatever image you want into the grilled bread. I personally prefer to cut out a giant “4” and then a diamond. If you know some magic you can “force” (magic talk for “make-them-pick-whatever-card-you-want-them-to-pick”) the 4 of diamonds upon your lunchmate. Say that you will ask God what card they picked. Not to inconvience the man upstairs too much, you will use God’s prefered method of communication. Turn over the grilled cheese to reveal the divine “Is that your card!?” moment!
Calmly devour the evidence of your deception.
The Lesson
A portion of our brain is devoted to recognizing faces. A human ancestor (or precursor to humans) that can recognize the face of a lion in the bushes quickly enough to run away will have a better chance of passing on his/her genes than another person who lacks such a gene and becomes the lion’s lunch. But this lion spotting human will undoubtably find themselves fleeing from patterns in the bushes which they mistake for a lion as well. However, such skittishness is still superior to being eaten by a lion. So goes evolution by natural selection.
So Ask Yourself
What is more likely- that our pattern seeking minds have made a mistake in identifying a face where there is none, or that God, in all his almighty-ness, intentionally chose such the obscure and unconvincing medium as a grilled cheese sandwich to send us a vague picture of his mother as a sign that he exists?
Keep in mind that God must know our understanding of the mind’s ability to mistake such non-images as meaningful, yet he chooses such an easy to dismiss manner in which to communicate. In the past, mankind received prophets and unmistakable divine intervention, but in today’s world, (where much of the population has a video camera in their pocket all time), we receive unconvincing and outright lame “miracles” such as pictures in our food.
The saying “God works in mysterious ways,” DOES NOT appear anywhere in the bible. It exists in hymns, created by man, to explain why such inept logic as this should be permissible in God’s case.
Happy eating!